CAN GOD PLEASE WRITE ME A DIFFERENT STORY?

CAN GOD PLEASE WRITE ME A DIFFERENT STORY?

Do you like to read? I am an avid reader who loves to get lost in a good story! This is what I love about reading the Old Testament in the Bible. Here, God lays out the stories of people's lives in full detail - the good, the bad and the ugly. Think reality tv. Don't you just love a good meltdown?!? God wrote our life stories before the beginning of time, yet gives us the ability to change so there is newness to it. Isn't that amazing? Well, what happens when you don't like your own story?
A couple of years ago, I was asked to speak at a wonderful women's conference. I had shared Greg's story with the ladies there the first night of the conference and though it had been emotional for all of us, I felt like God has used it. The second night there was another speaker and I was so looking forward to hearing her. She didn't disappoint! She was so funny and charismatic and relevant. All of us ladies were laughing with her and feeling good and having a great fun, that by the time she was done, I felt depressed. THAT'S the story I wanted! I wanted her crazy positive story and spirit. If you remember my bio, you'll remember that (right or wrong) I think of myself as hilarious. I like to laugh! I love to make others laugh. But MY STORY is anything but funny, light or inspiring of laughter. You can't walk up on stage and say, "Funny thing happened in my life... my husband died from a horrific disease that has left me, my kids, my family, friends and my church, devastated. (I'd like to point out one tiny caveat here. My kids and I are highly inappropriate with people's sensitivity around death. I'm going to blame my sarcastic husband who taught us that poking fun at death is enjoyable. He used to say something like, 'If you're not laughing, you're dying'. And since his death, we have continued the fun with, (oh my gosh, this is embarrassing...) dead dad jokes. The more uncomfortable we can make someone feel  with these jokes the better, so if you don't like this sort of thing, stay away from my youngest son, who is by far, the quickest with these sarcastic jokes.)
You can imagine the next morning when I had to get up again to speak my most honest talk about MY story of being beautifully broken before God, that there was some resentment building. I didn't like being the "weeping widow". I was prayed up and prepared, and God allowed me to share what was so personal and difficult. I'm still praying He was able to use it. But I went home feeling defeated. All the self doubt and self pity started to pour into my life and where I was once glad to be chosen to share this gift of grief, I now despised my story. I went on a road where I wrestled with the feeling that God chose the wrong Rohlinger to continue on in this life. Clearly, if He had left Greg, so much more work for the Kingdom could have been done! He would still have our ministry and be preaching HIS story about how God was faithful through the devastation of death. But a widowed pastor's wife can't have that platform. And I am a pastor's wife no more. And single parenting? Greg could have hired a nanny to help! And when Greg was a teenager, he ran away from God, so he would know what to do with troubled teens whereas, I have always walked with God and so over my head in that area. Can you see where this is going? Clearly, God made a mistake.
As I grew more discontent with my life, things at home escalated to the point where I needed help. God has graciously surrounded me with the people and things I need to navigate my next steps in life. I called my friend, who is a professional counselor and told her I needed help ASAP. She generously told me to come over on her day off and spent hours letting me talk and walk through my pain. She let me walk through every scenario of why it would have been better for God to have taken me home and left Greg here.  I plead my case passionately (brilliantly, I might add) and with great conviction. When I had exhausted my evidence, she pointed out one teensy problem with my logic.  God didn't chose Greg to walk this part after death. He chose me. No matter how many ways I could come up with in my mind of why it would have been better, it wasn't reality. I sat there stupidly, absorbing what she was saying. I was spinning my wheels with reasons not to like my story, things that would make a much better story and completely missing out on the story God had for me to tell. I was so worried that because Greg wasn't the one to make a difference for God's Kingdom that I completely shut down and didn't share my own story of how God is life changing!
In Proverbs 19:21 it says, "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." Since that conversation at my friends kitchen table, I can't tell you that life has been great. I can't tell you that I have never had thoughts of doubt about my story again.  I CAN tell you that I allowed God to change my way of thinking. And because He is faithful and good, He has helped me look at my story with new perspective. I know how much God loved Greg and thought he was wonderful and blessed him. How much then does God love me and think I am wonderful enough to carry this burden? He chose ME to stay. And isn't it sometimes harder to be the one left?
So God, in His infinite wisdom, plan and purpose for my life, not only thought was I able to handle my husband's sickness, but also the complete upheaval his death brought to my life. And not only handle it, but flourish in it, believing there could be something better (but that is a post for another day!) Often when we change our perspective, when we remember to include God in our thoughts and plans, He brings hope and light to our problems and reminds us that He loves us so much, He designed a perfect story for us to tell about our beautifully broken lives.