I'M GONE WITH THE WIND

I'M GONE WITH THE WIND

I talk to myself. A lot. Sometimes in my head and other times I will straight up have a conversation with myself out loud. I try and keep those "episodes" to myself while at home, but you do it enough and sometimes you forget while you're out. I use to look away sheepishly when caught, but, I'm not even embarrassed by myself anymore. I'd much rather return a look that says "Caught you staring at me, Creep" than except the fact that I might be the one who is acting a little strange. I remember Greg talking about his single dad and how he always use to talk to himself. Maybe it does have to do with single parenting, but I tend to think it's more of a being alone thing. There is no one around to have a conversation! What do you do when you have important news to share?!? Why not say it aloud and tell yourself and then you both can be amazed at the information! Make sense?
Enough of me trying to justify my crazy. Here's what happened to me the other day. I was sitting alone at a doctor's office waiting to get a procedure for my back. (Side note -I love and hate doctors. They can be extreme jerks (censoring for you mom:) with terrible bedside manners, or great ones who help you make tough decisions in life you never thought you'd have to make. I just recently had to see two different doctors. One described my ailments in terms of jelly donuts. The other... did not. Guess which one I will be going back to?) I was pretty nervous about my procedure, ok, slightly freaking out about it, so I went to the only sane place I know in this life. Scripture. I was reading verses that were meant to comfort me with peace. Philippians 4:7 "And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Aw! Love that verse! I wanted MORE verses about God's wonderful peace, so I kept searching. 
This is the part of the story where I should tell you that I was also dialoguing with myself. I noticed that all of the people in the waiting room had somebody with them. Someone was there for them so that they could be supportive and drive them home after an uncomfortable procedure. But I don't have my person. And worse than that, because of all the caregiving I did for my person (not to mention the countless hours I waiting for him at HIS doctors appointments and oodles of hours in the hospital with him) I have a back problem. So I'm reading scripture and feeling sorry for myself. Poor me! Look at all I've done and now I have to deal with this too?!? I don't have my man, I'm a single mom, I'm starting over, and I'm in constant pain! I picture myself as Scarlett O'Hara (cue the string orchestra behind me, bombs going off all around, sweat pouring down my face - the struggle is real people!) "I want my mom! I want to go home to Tara!" Ok, so I was being a bit dramatic, but I've sacrificed a lot and did I mention that I was all alone? 
Then God lead me to Colossians 3:15. "And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body." Yes, Lord Jesus! Peace! I need peace! I'm so nervous and alone and I don't want to be here! Give me peace because I deserve a little peace in my life!! But then it says, "And be thankful." I'm pretty sure that's when my rule of self dialogue slipped a little and I groaned aloud. But hey, I'm in a pain management office so they didn't bat an eye. They feel me:) I'm also pretty sure I turned my phone over and put it down. God did NOT just say that to me. I'm Scarlett freaking O'Hara! "I'm too young to be a widow!" Ok. Enough Scarlett quotes. But you get my point. He was NOT going to turn this into something other than my pity party!! UGH! Now I can't unread what He wrote. And I KNOW He took me there. My face was now a nice shade of red because of the anger and I squirmed in my chair. Again - no one noticed which is good. At this point, I'm basically Gone with the Wind (sorry- couldn't help it :) Eventually I growled a low "OK" under my breath. If He wants me to be thankful, I'll be thankful I'm done reading scripture today. And I'm thankful a preacher is not sitting next to me (remember my family is full of them) telling me it's good to be obedient to God and do what He says. And I am kind of thankful that my procedure isn't as bad as some I've experienced in the past. I could even drive myself home. My kids are happy and healthy. I have a wonderful family and amazing friends to do life with. You see where this is going. I stopped obsessing on the negativity of my situation and started focused on the blessings that were all around me. Boom! I have a ton to be thankful for. I eventually ended up being thankful for my messed up back. I have a bad back because I got eighteen more months with my man than I should have gotten. God miraculously pulled Greg through when he should have died. He was never the same, but we got the gift of time. 
Oh Lori, that's so wonderful! I'm sure your heart is just so grateful and God healed your back! I wish it was that simple. I still have to remind myself to be thankful every day, but when I do it, I can't tell you how much better my perspective on life is and I have less angrier conversations with myself. But my back is busted and the pain may be permanent. And I'm still alone. God doesn't take the awfulness of life away. He comes in and takes the brokenness we have and makes something new out of it. He does challenge us to do hard things- I was still scared when I got the procedure, but He did give me peace. I am still alone, but never far from His wonderful, overflowing love. Life is not perfect, but it is good and joyful and blessed. And I trust Him when He promises to give me what I need and to provide me with His peace in my life which does surpass all understanding. I do love that He reminds us to be thankful, even in the stressful times and that when we are obedient to follow Him and do what He says, He will fill us with so much gratitude for the blessings all around us in our beautifully broken lives!