WHERE IS MY FAITH?

Growing up in a pastor's family and then being in ministry myself, I have had the great opportunity to hear many great pastors preach many great sermons. However, since Greg's death, there is one topic that I tend to have a reaction to when I hear it preached; the topic of faith.
I am not sure that the pastors are trying to communicate faith the way it sounds like they are teaching it. The principle about faith that many sound like they are saying is - if you pray, if you really seek God and have faith, the miracle you are waiting for will happen. I have heard so many sermons on this and every time I hear it, I want to push back on it. What about me? Are you saying I didn't have enough faith to see my husband healed from a terminal disease?
Now I'm not saying that God can't or won't do miracles. I am a big believer that God did miracles in the scriptures and that He is still in the habit of doing them today! I've seen it happen. There's an obstacle that comes up in your life, you go to prayer, believing that God can take care of what you need and He does! I've seen Him provide financially, spiritually and physically. I've seen marriages that should have ended in divorce be brought back to a strong unit. I've seen hungry people be fed. In my own life, my dad was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer and should have taken his life over a year ago, but he is doing so amazing, the doctor just told him he's going into remission! GOD DOES MIRACLES!
But what happens when what you want, what you desperately pray for, believing He will intercede for you and answer your prayers with a yes; what if He says no? Did you not have faith? Did you not believe? What if you had said more prayers? Is just having great faith enough to make what you want a reality?
We hear all kinds of sermons from Matthew 17:20. "For truly I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to the mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you." What is Jesus saying here? Is He saying that if you would just believe a little harder, you could change the landscape of the world?
When Greg was diagnosed with MSA, we went to prayer, begging God to heal him. But immediately, I felt as if God told me no. I didn't like that answer and so I chose to ignore it. I didn't even want to tell Greg I felt this way because he could possibly think I wasn't being positive about the miracles that God could do. The thing is, I did believe God could do a miracle. (Side note: I'm so grateful for God's prompting with a no so that I could process better what was to be our outcome.)
We know there is power in prayer, so we asked our church to pray for us, our family and friends. We had some pretty big names in ministry fervently praying that God would heal Greg. Thousands from around the world went to petition God for Greg's healing. Collectively, did we not have enough faith to see God heal Greg? Did we not pray enough? Would one more prayer have done the job?
As Greg was laying there in his hospice bed, taking his last few breathes, even then I was praying for a miracle, believing that if God so chose, he could completely heal him. But THAT is the key; IF GOD SO CHOSE.
A few nights before Greg died, I was on my knees begging God for a miracle. He lead me to a familiar passage in scripture, Luke 22:42, where Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemane facing His own death. "Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done." I'm not trying to compare what I was going through to what Jesus went through, but there was a similarity to our situations. We were both facing death and we were both begging God to stop it. How great is it that our Savior can identify with us in every situation?
It was as if my Bible had a neon sign pointing to the words, 'Your will not mine'. This brought me back to what is most important; not my will, but God's. Why is that most important? Because He is God and I am not. He has a perfect will and plan for our lives. We may not see it, may not ever understand it, but He does. And that's where faith comes in. God is not a genie in a bottle that grants wishes to the most dedicated, desperate or sincere. He is a God who loves us and orchestrates every event in life, including grief, loss and suffering, to accomplish both our earthly and eternal benefit.

If I'm being totally vulnerable with you, there are times where I seriously doubt my faith. Can I keep on believing in the midst of the hurt and pain? There is a great verse in 1 Peter 1:5 where Peter is talking to people who are suffering and he tells them to keep the faith. He gives them good new that they don't have to muster up the faith for themselves, but they are being empowered by God to keep the faith. That was such a relief to read that when I am tired and want to quit my faith, I don't have to worry because even in then, God is carrying me, empowering me, helping me to keep the faith! Greg used to say, "Believe your beliefs and doubt your doubts." It's such a great reminder that I don't have to expend so much energy to wondering if my beliefs are wrong, or my doubt is correct. I already know what I believe and can stand firm on the promises of God. If I need help with my faith, all I have to do is ask God to help. The crazy thing is, He is way ahead of me and already helping me to keep the faith.  
I love 1 John 5:14, "And this is the confidence that we have toward Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us." True faith always involves surrender to the will of God. So to the widowed, infertile, mental health struggler, desperate parent, financially ruined, on the brink of divorce, addicted, whoever you are, surrender today to the will of God. It may not be your will, but peace that will come from letting God be in control of your life and the outcome that can transpire from obedience to God is life changing. Don't feel discouraged thinking you don't have enough faith. Put all your faith in God's plan and perfect will for you and see what He can do with your beautifully broken life.