A WIDOW'S PLAYLIST

A WIDOW'S PLAYLIST

Ok, so right up front, I feel I should warn you that this post will probably fall under the "quirky" category that I find myself fitting into a lot. I love music. Ask my children and they will tell you I can get obsessed over a song and play it over and over again until I have it memorized (most recently being Speechless from the new Aladdin movie). And while I can carry a tune, I am by no means a soloist (though I fancy myself a rock legend in my head). Music is passion, memories, tastes, smells and sounds. Music can inspire, motivate and move to tears, but as I have found out in recent years, music can bring a rushing torrent of grief.
My main go to's for music is typically rock with pop rock being my favorite and will travel into heavy metal. Not much for rap, but do enjoy an occasional Tupac or Ice Cube tune. Love jazz and the sound of the 50's, but you can't beat the 80's. And last, but gaining popularity with me would be country.
I feel like I make a pretty mean playlist. The other day, my son asked me to send him my current playlist because his phone died and he used my phone and was listening to my music. He said I had the best songs and being that he is 17, I am feeling pretty hip. So with my love of music and playlist, you know I've got a widow's playlist. Obviously, Greg and I had our favorite songs together; songs that we fell love to and songs that we stayed in love with. Those songs can always make me emotional, but there are some new songs that I cry to now after he is gone. There are a few of them, but I chose my top 3:

Gravity by Sara Bareilles -
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone
You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain
Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity

Ugh those words!! I feel them deeply. How is it that he can still occupy so much of my life, even from heaven? So good!

The Words by Christina Perry-
And all of the steps that led me to you
And all of the hell I had to walk through
But I wouldn't trade a day for the chance to 
Say my love I'm in love with you
And I know the scariest part is letting go
Cause love is a ghost you can't control
I promise you the truth can't hurt us now
So let the words slip out of your mouth

I think this song resonates with me because it did feel like I walked through hell and while I don't believe in ghosts, the metaphorical ghost of Greg lives with me. There are times when I am driving in the car and I still reach over to hold his hand. Crazy but true.

I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin-
There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes
Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead 
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees

This is my hope. And I'll be honest, I don't have another plan besides my faith in Christ. All my eggs are in His basket and I am holding on to His promise that one day, I will see Him face to face and get to bask in His glory and thank Him for all He has done for me. One day I'll be united with all my family and friends and there will never be another goodbye, there will never be another disease, there will never be another situation that can separate me from them. I have cried this song out to God so many times and spit it at the evil one that one day, because of what Jesus did for me in dying on the cross and rising again, that I will rise. The grave and death will cause me no more suffering, no more pain, no more anxiety, no more grief, no more regret.
I try not to sit and wallow with these songs anymore. In fact, I've taken the first two off my playlist. I'm ready to move beyond the tears, though I know they will fall again. But I keep the last one. We sang it at Greg's memorial service. Though it makes me sad, it also fills me with hope and I know that God has a glorious heaven waiting for me at the end of my beautifully broken life. If you have a widow's playlist, feel free to share it with me in the comments below!