FACING THE HARD SEASONS
FACING THE HARD SEASONS
I realize I'm being incredibly obvious when I state the fact that losing something in life is very painful. Everything from losing your place in line (frustrating) to losing your car keys (annoying) to losing your mind (happening quickly) to losing your job, your house, your child, your spouse, your hope. The question I have asked myself is this: Losing something you love in life is inevitable, no matter how great or small. How do I not only learn to live with the loss, but learn to function and (dare I dream) to thrive?
That's a really deep question, Lori and I'm not so happy I asked it of myself. I think the fact that the holidays are around the corner are why these feelings of sadness and loss are popping up for me. Halloween is always hard because it kicks off the mark down of Greg's life. I knew Halloween night of 2015 that things had changed and were not going to be good. My fun-loving husband didn't feel like passing out candy and seeing all the trick or treaters in their cute costumes. He didn't want to shake hands with the neighbors and try and meet somebody new. He was sick and he just didn't have the energy to fight the illness any longer.
My friends Ed and Jeannie and their kids came over that night and hung out with me while I tried to paste a smile to my face and pretend that everything was going to be ok. But I knew, deep down that God had other plans for Greg. I was so appreciative to them for their faith and encouragement and the reminder that God's got this; no matter what. My dear friends still visit me every Halloween, filling me with joy and the same positivity they shared with me that dark night. This year they brought me a book that someone we both knew had written. In the dedication, the author, Mike Bullock, dedicated it to Greg and his influence he had on Mike's life. Wow. Talk about full circle. I was blessed this year!
But the next day is November 1st and that is the day I took Greg to the hospital and he left our house never to return again. I remember texting my brother and sister in law, before I knew how sick Greg was that morning, and just verified with them that I was going to be ok. That Greg was going to be ok. That the kids were going to be ok. What a sad, lonely and frightening place I was in. And this of course moves us on to endure Thanksgiving, Greg's death anniversary, his birthday, our anniversary and Christmas, not to mention the awkward New Year's Eve, nobody to kiss, holiday.
I don't think I'm alone in having memorable days that kick up emotions. The problem I am now running into is that I'm four years into it and I am tired of the sadness and the feeling of loss. One of the songs on my "widow's playlist" was playing recently. The line says
What'll I do when you are far away
and I'm so blue, what'll I do?
What'll I do with just a photograph
to tell all my troubles to?
When I'm alone, with only dreams of you
that won't come true,
what'll I do?
Do you know how many countless times I have freaking cried while strategically looking at a picture of Greg wishing I could tell him all about the problems I'm facing?!? I could be a Hallmark movie!!! (Dear Hallmark: I love your movies. No disrespect trying to impersonate you). But when that song came the other day, I rolled my eyes. It's a beautiful song with stirring words and a haunting melody, but I didn't want to play it's game anymore. I'm tired of being sad! I'm tired of feeling like I've lost something! I'm ready to find something and keep it!!
Ok brave girl. Now that I said all that...I'm still kinda, really, profoundly sad in my heart. Sometimes I do look at Greg's pictures and for sure wish I could talk to him. But while praying through things, I feel like God encouraged me to think about the now. Oh sure, the past was great and then horrible, but what about the now? I have four amazing kids who actually love to spend some time with me. I have amazing friends who will text me at all times of the day and night and listen to my insane thoughts and laugh and cry with me. I have a wonderful family who fills my life with such joy and laughter. But even more than all of those amazing things, I have a good God who loves me. He knew what I was going to gain and He knew what I was going to lose. He patiently waits for me as I run around the path He has set for me, pushing the boundaries of His grace. But He is good and gracious and let's me heal in my own (slow) time, constantly putting blessings in my way that frankly, sometimes I'm too obsessed with the little things that I fail to notice. So this year as I enter this season of memorable dates, I am going to try focusing on the good that is happening in front of me rather than the loss that remains. If you are experiencing recent loss of anything, can I just say that first year is so hard. I would encourage you to embrace the grief. It's part of the process and it is healing. The second year is tough as well as the third and now, I'm finding the fourth is hard too. My hope is to encourage you that while the loss is always there, God can bring comfort and new hope into your life and give you a vision for a future you can't even envision yet. I can say this confidently because this is what He has done in my beautifully broken life.
I realize I'm being incredibly obvious when I state the fact that losing something in life is very painful. Everything from losing your place in line (frustrating) to losing your car keys (annoying) to losing your mind (happening quickly) to losing your job, your house, your child, your spouse, your hope. The question I have asked myself is this: Losing something you love in life is inevitable, no matter how great or small. How do I not only learn to live with the loss, but learn to function and (dare I dream) to thrive?
That's a really deep question, Lori and I'm not so happy I asked it of myself. I think the fact that the holidays are around the corner are why these feelings of sadness and loss are popping up for me. Halloween is always hard because it kicks off the mark down of Greg's life. I knew Halloween night of 2015 that things had changed and were not going to be good. My fun-loving husband didn't feel like passing out candy and seeing all the trick or treaters in their cute costumes. He didn't want to shake hands with the neighbors and try and meet somebody new. He was sick and he just didn't have the energy to fight the illness any longer.
My friends Ed and Jeannie and their kids came over that night and hung out with me while I tried to paste a smile to my face and pretend that everything was going to be ok. But I knew, deep down that God had other plans for Greg. I was so appreciative to them for their faith and encouragement and the reminder that God's got this; no matter what. My dear friends still visit me every Halloween, filling me with joy and the same positivity they shared with me that dark night. This year they brought me a book that someone we both knew had written. In the dedication, the author, Mike Bullock, dedicated it to Greg and his influence he had on Mike's life. Wow. Talk about full circle. I was blessed this year!
But the next day is November 1st and that is the day I took Greg to the hospital and he left our house never to return again. I remember texting my brother and sister in law, before I knew how sick Greg was that morning, and just verified with them that I was going to be ok. That Greg was going to be ok. That the kids were going to be ok. What a sad, lonely and frightening place I was in. And this of course moves us on to endure Thanksgiving, Greg's death anniversary, his birthday, our anniversary and Christmas, not to mention the awkward New Year's Eve, nobody to kiss, holiday.
I don't think I'm alone in having memorable days that kick up emotions. The problem I am now running into is that I'm four years into it and I am tired of the sadness and the feeling of loss. One of the songs on my "widow's playlist" was playing recently. The line says
What'll I do when you are far away
and I'm so blue, what'll I do?
What'll I do with just a photograph
to tell all my troubles to?
When I'm alone, with only dreams of you
that won't come true,
what'll I do?
Do you know how many countless times I have freaking cried while strategically looking at a picture of Greg wishing I could tell him all about the problems I'm facing?!? I could be a Hallmark movie!!! (Dear Hallmark: I love your movies. No disrespect trying to impersonate you). But when that song came the other day, I rolled my eyes. It's a beautiful song with stirring words and a haunting melody, but I didn't want to play it's game anymore. I'm tired of being sad! I'm tired of feeling like I've lost something! I'm ready to find something and keep it!!
Ok brave girl. Now that I said all that...I'm still kinda, really, profoundly sad in my heart. Sometimes I do look at Greg's pictures and for sure wish I could talk to him. But while praying through things, I feel like God encouraged me to think about the now. Oh sure, the past was great and then horrible, but what about the now? I have four amazing kids who actually love to spend some time with me. I have amazing friends who will text me at all times of the day and night and listen to my insane thoughts and laugh and cry with me. I have a wonderful family who fills my life with such joy and laughter. But even more than all of those amazing things, I have a good God who loves me. He knew what I was going to gain and He knew what I was going to lose. He patiently waits for me as I run around the path He has set for me, pushing the boundaries of His grace. But He is good and gracious and let's me heal in my own (slow) time, constantly putting blessings in my way that frankly, sometimes I'm too obsessed with the little things that I fail to notice. So this year as I enter this season of memorable dates, I am going to try focusing on the good that is happening in front of me rather than the loss that remains. If you are experiencing recent loss of anything, can I just say that first year is so hard. I would encourage you to embrace the grief. It's part of the process and it is healing. The second year is tough as well as the third and now, I'm finding the fourth is hard too. My hope is to encourage you that while the loss is always there, God can bring comfort and new hope into your life and give you a vision for a future you can't even envision yet. I can say this confidently because this is what He has done in my beautifully broken life.
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