FROM BAD TO GOOD
A few months after Greg died, I was at a function where a well meaning man was
talking to me about my loss. I was sincerely answering his questions about how
I was feeling, which already had me feeling somewhat vulnerable. Then he threw
out the scripture that I so did not want to hear. He could have quoted
anything, but he went to the one passage in the Bible that I have struggled
with so much...
Romans 8:28, "And we know that for those who love God all things work together
for good, for those who are called according to His purpose."
I am one of those people who love to write in my Bible. I even use
highlighters and different colors to show different perspectives of scripture
like when God is directly speaking and when there are promises from Him. I
even write dates in my Bible of when a certain passage hits me at that time in
my life so I can go back and remember how God talked to me during that time.
BUT... I have refused to underline this scripture in my Bible. It's the one
thing I continue to fight God on. Do I in my heart know that God can use even
the crappy stuff in my life as good? Yes. Do I like it? No.
So when this gentleman quoted that scripture to me, resentment bubbled up in
my heart. I could feel it. How dare you tell me that losing the love of my
life could in ANY way be good! How my children losing their father is a good
thing. And the worse thing that can happen to me (in my opinion)... tears
started to form.
*Side note* You'd think since I did a whole blog post about 'Does God Keep The
Snot', I would be comfortable with my tears. One would want to think that. And
for the most part, I am good with them. However, I absolutely hate crying
tears because I am angry. UGH! I hate that my emotions are somehow connected
to my tear ducts and when the right (or wrong) nerve is struck, no matter how
much I try to look at the ceiling, press my tongue on the roof of my mouth
(look it up, it sometimes works) or will the freaking tears away, they still
prick my eyes and start my nose running.
So, after handling the situation poorly, I left in a huff. I did't feel good
about what he said to me, nor how I reacted to him, but most of all, I'm back
to being angry at God.
Fast forward four years and here I am still trying to wrap my arms around this
scripture. I have tried to wrestle with it and make it come under
my control, wanting to share it for a woman's conference I was asked to
speak at, but I finally gave up on it. That scripture is like a burr under my
saddle. No wait...a pea under my mattress. I put it off and put it off, but no
matter how hard I try to ignore it, it keeps popping up.
However, God's love for us is such that He won't leave us in a hurting mess.
If we allow Him, He will bring understanding and conviction. And the
conviction that He brought to my attention was that I was trying to control
the situation. To make it fit my narrative. However, I am NOT God nor
do I understand the ways of God. I must simple submit myself to God's bigger
plan and trust that He knows what's best for everyone and will take care of me
in my time of need.
Have you ever felt called to something? Growing up, I always knew I was called
to be a mom. There was a brief period in college where I challenged that
calling thinking I could just be a career woman, which is fine if that's what
you are called to but I knew I was called to be a mom. What do you think the
biggest blessing in my life has been? Yep. The thing I was called to. I don't
always ENJOY being a mother, but I always love it...even when it's difficult
and messy. Even when I'm driving down the freeway and I know what's waiting
for me at home and I know that if I keep going, I can reach the ocean in five
hours. But do you know where I always end up? Not on the beaches breathing the
salty air into my lungs, but back with my kids who I would die for. Because I
am called to be their mother. And so even when things get tough and we all
want to run from each other, we hang in there because the reward at the end is
worth it. It's my calling.
I was recently watching a message that Greg preached on relationships. He was
talking about ours and that even though it was good and amazing and
fulfilling, it was hard. We had our relationship issues just like everyone
else. God didn't sprinkle magical pixie dust on us because we were called to
do ministry. We had to clean up the messes that we made. He was talking about
the fact that when we are both walking with God and choosing to trust His plan
for our lives, that God brings our heart and minds closer together. That we
have more things in common and that we agree on how God is moving us in life
together.
He talked about the fact that we had agreed together that the pain of Greg's
disease was a gift of God to us. That He chose to allow this to come into our
lives. And how since we have been gifted pain in our lives, we needed to
represent it as best as we could. He said "Pain is a privilege; it's something
He wants us to steward. If God has allowed pain in your life, you have a
chance and opportunity to say, I'm going to honor God with this and I'm going
to reflect God in this."
Let's go back to Romans. Can we be honest? We are all sinners. Romans 3:23
tells us this. I know it's not popular in our culture to think that there's
any such thing as sin, but look at us! What a mess this world is! We even know
the exact time when sin entered into the world. In the garden with Adam and
Eve. The world we are living in now is not God's original plan for us. He
created us to live forever. But because sin entered our world, things had to
change because God is without sin. Sin caused a barrier between us and God,
but it was breached in the person of Jesus Christ. He died on the cross for
our sins and rose from the dead to bring us salvation. If we accept Him as our
Savior, He is our covering. No longer does God see our sin because of the
sacrifice Jesus made on the cross. He paid for our sins! However, there is a
submission we have to make; we have to bend the knee to Christ and allow Him
to forgive us and be Lord of our lives. And it all starts with trusting Him.
I've trusted Jesus for my salvation and yet sometimes I struggle to trust Him
with the circumstances of my life. I know that's crazy. He who died for me and
paid the price of my sin so I could get into heaven, and yet I sometimes doubt
why certain things are allowed to happen in my life. Let's look at Romans
8:18. "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth
comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." What is yet to be
revealed to us? Heaven. I need to step back for a minute and see the bigger
picture. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in this life that I forget that this
life is the short one. What's waiting next for me is eternity. With that in
mind, I only get one life to live, so how am I going to live it? Being angry
and strong arming God; the One who knows me the best and loves me the most? Or
realizing that there must be a purpose to the suffering that was allowed to
come into my life?
I don't think God is asking me to think that Greg's death was somehow "good"
or even that God caused this disease in his life. I think that because we live
in a fallen world, bad things happen. But even in the bad, God can see
the good and uses it for good. 1
My study Bible says that, "In His providence, God orchestrates every event in
life - even suffering, temptation and sin to accomplish both our temporal and
eternal benefit."
My ultimate goal in life is to be more like Jesus. He is my hero, my Savior.
Can I trust Him with the brokenness of my life that He can turn something that
is terrible and make it good? I've seen Him do it in the small areas of my
life, why can't I trust Him with the big areas too? And that's the point. I
can trust Him. He has called me to be His child, to be a mother to my own
children and to steward in my life the things He allows into it so that I can
show my kids how to do the same when bad things happen in their lives. He can
take my brokenness and use it for the good; in my life and in others. Lord,
help us to trust You with the good and the bad in our lives knowing that You
can make the impossible happen. You can work all things together for the good,
even with our beautifully broken lives.
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