BEAUTIFULLY BROKEN

A WIDOW'S PLAYLIST Ok, so right up front, I feel I should warn you that this post will probably fall under the "quirky" category that I find myself fitting into a lot. I love music. Ask my children and they will tell you I can get obsessed over a song and play it over and over again until I have it memorized (most recently being Speechless from the new Aladdin movie). And while I can carry a tune, I am by no means a soloist (though I fancy myself a rock legend in my head). Music is passion, memories, tastes, smells and sounds. Music can inspire, motivate and move to tears, but as I have found out in recent years, music can bring a rushing torrent of grief. My main go to's for music is typically rock with pop rock being my favorite and will travel into heavy metal. Not much for rap, but do enjoy an occasional Tupac or Ice Cube tune. Love jazz and the sound of the 50's, but you can't beat the 80's. And last, but gaining popularity with me would be country...

In My Father's Reflection I have my dad's eyes. They are a beautiful bright blue that shine brighter in the sun, next to the ocean or when I am crying. I remember growing up and looking at his beautiful eyes and being so grateful that mine were the same shade of blue as his. The funny thing is, my mom is drop dead gorgeous with beautiful dark brown eyes, but I was always so glad I got my dad's eyes. My dad passed away August 31, 2019. My mom and I had the honor of holding his hands as he took his last breath here on earth. I was so blessed to be able to call him my father. My dad grew up in a home where his dad was a mean alcoholic. My dad's last memory of his family living together was him standing between his parents with a baseball bat in hand threatening my grandfather that if he laid another hand on my grandmother, my dad would do physical harm to him. His family broke up that very night. My grandmother took her youngest daughter and left that night to stay with...

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD Psalms 23 "The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pasture. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever."  Six months after Greg died, my brother, Steve, and his wife Tami took their church on a trip to Israel. I had already been to Israel twice before and loved it. If you ever get a chance to go, DO IT!! It's life changing. I thought it would be a good idea to take my boys and go. Partly to show them the holy land and partly to prove to myself that I could do this thing called single pa...

WHAT BIRTHDAYS MEAN TO ME I have always enjoyed my birthday. Maybe it's because I was the baby of the family and therefore spoiled, or it could be my party personality:) It was my birthday last week and this year, instead of just the celebration (which my family and friends did fabulously), I took sometime to contemplate where I have been and where I am going. I wouldn't say that I've had a mid-life crisis, I would say a crisis found me mid-life. It certainly wasn't something I would have chosen for myself, my husband or my children. But it is the crisis that took over my life and I find myself wanting my life back from it. That's not to say I would want the last decade back for a do-over, as I would never want to live those years again. Nor is it that I wish I could changed anything, because I do trust our sovereign God. Rather, maybe I would like an extension on the younger areas of my life that I feel have been shriveled by the crisis that entered my life. Th...

THE RIGHT PAIR OF SHOES I used to be the type of girl that wore heels with everything. I have even been known to say that I was so comfortable in heels, I could climb a mountain. That was meant as a joke because those people who know me understand that there is a reason why my parents did not name me Grace. Although I love high heels and love the way they make me feel and look, I have taken some very hilarious and injury causing falls in them. I have fallen over curbs, on uneven sidewalks, crossing the road on a very busy intersection on the Vegas strip (I think they honked at me in jest but I took it as their way of encouraging me to get up and out of their way), out of an occupied elevator in a hotel in San Fransisco (thanks for laughing with me) and of course, those times when I was just walking across a room and didn't lift my foot high enough and caught the edge of the carpet. No need for talent ladies and gentlemen. I am entertainment in and of myself. By contrast, my moth...

Summer is hard for me. There is just no other way to describe it. As someone who is surviving grief (I'm only surviving day by day, but that's what a survivor does, right???) I know that certain times of the year are harder than others. December is a downer for several reasons,  but summer to me is romantic vacations (that never happen anymore) and family vacations (where someone is always missing).  I have felt dried up inside. Mentally, spiritually, physically. Thank goodness for a loving God who doesn't care how messed up I am or how far away I try to run. He is always there to welcome me home. Feeling dried up and spiritually dehydrated made me think of the story in Ezekiel 37 about the dry bones. This is a vision that God gives to Ezekiel about the nation of Israel coming back together, which has nothing to do with me, but because all scripture leads back to Jesus, I'm going to take some liberties to draw comparison. God showed Ezekiel a valley that was full of ...

FREEDOM I love the 4th of July. The food, the family, the friends and the fireworks. I love the good ole USA and the freedoms we enjoy living in this country. Every year I thank God that He put me in this country and especially the family He put me in where I was told about Jesus and how I can find freedom in Him. I was sitting in church this past weekend listening to a missionary I know from Egypt. Nathan lives in a culture without religious freedom. In fact, his father was murdered for his Christian faith when Nathan was just six years old. I love Nathan's story because God took what was a broken life and turned it into something beautiful. God took his painful life circumstances and put a passion in Nathan's heart for his people. Now, Nathan and his wife write children's Biblical curriculum to impact the next generation.  Even under oppression, Nathan and his wife share the freedom that comes from knowing Jesus to the people around them. I got to thinking about the f...